apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
