Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
