On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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