I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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