she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
