And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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