why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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