Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
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I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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