just survived the first fart of the relationship.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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