just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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