Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
