I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Randomize
