Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
i think my cat just said my name.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
