In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
