pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
my sisters under your porch take her home
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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