so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
