Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
tonight lets celebrate not being married
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Dick very happy bro
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize