Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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