I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
