i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
