your parents love me but you hate me
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
