Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
