idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
