Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
