I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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