I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
