im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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