I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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