life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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