and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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