No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
