Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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