Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
