i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
i drank out of a bidet.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
