she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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