The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
