dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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