Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
