when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
