I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
