I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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