having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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