Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
