Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
