Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
