My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
