God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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