it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
