Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
