I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
