i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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