At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
