How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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