He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
