Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
